Stop Being Afraid

Do you remember being frequently asked as a child what you want to be when you grow up? I remember contemplating this question throughout the course of my childhood and even to this day I still ask myself this question, although now it goes something like this; "what do I want to be" or "If I could have any job in the world what it would be?" I have this notebook from pre-school where we had to write what we wanted to be when we were grown up; I wrote, and I am word for word quoting here, "I want to be a butcher because I like sausages". Although I do get overexcited when a deli counter full of meaty delights is before me, I feel that my ambitious streak came later....not that there is anything wrong with being a butcher, but nobody likes sausages THAT much (except for my husband).

As a child you feel that the whole world is at your feet, that whatever you want you can have, through every door there is an opportunity; you can be a brain surgeon or football star, or the next Britney Spears. Nothing seems unattainable, all you have to do is go for it. I wonder when so many of us decide to settle, settle for a second rate dream? I feel that so many of us believe that our dreams are just mere fantasies of an "ordinary" and "normal" person that can never really be achieved, and unfortunately, as a result, so few of us really chase those elusive dreams. The dreams that excite you, drive you to fulfill your passions. Why is this? I think it's because we're afraid. I know I am afraid.

I keep telling myself that I need to stop being afraid, afraid to chase my dreams, my aspirations, my ambitions. I have made no secret of the fact that I am in love with photography and everything about it. I realise now that it wasn't until I discovered this fantastic medium, that I found a true passion for something; that very something which made me go "yes! this is what I want to do!". Before now, I never felt I had found something that grabbed me, that challenged me in a way I wanted to be challenged, that I enjoyed so much; I had always haphazardly searched for a profession or even just a subject, to reach out and grab me; to consume my interests and help me realise my potential.

It has taken me almost two university degrees and five years in undergraduate education to discover a true love for something. Why oh why did I not find this wonderful thing at 18 and consequently, have spent the last six years honing my photography skills and thus saving myself from hundreds upon hundreds of hours slumped in lecture chairs, sore eyes from incessant essay typing, and a heavy head from reading far too much textbook spiel. Despite all of this, I feel that "something" is holding me back and I think that "something" is a fear of failure. I'm scared I won't be any good, that I won't have a natural talent, that I won't make a living. But I'm also afraid to not TRY, to not give it a go. So I want to shout from the rooftops and say that I am determined to overcome my fear, to seize the moment and go for what I love. After all, I don't want a life of regrets and I'm sure nobody does, life is too short after all. Sometimes I feel that this is a crazy dream but I'm in love and if I turn my back, I will crush my heart. So here it goes. I promise to tell you what I'm doing, show you my pictures (even if they're downright awful) and take you with me.

What I find so daunting is the never ending amount of knowledge I need to absorb and the amazing photographers who are out there. How will I ever even come close? But what I have to believe is that I may not be that good now but I WILL try and I hopefully WILL be. I will invest in my training, I will practice and I will accomplish what I set out to do.

In keeping with my decision to overcome my fears I thought I would tell you about the first photography fear I overcame....my Nikon 70-200 (a generous hand me down from my Dad). This is the BIG BOY of lenses: it weighs nearly 1.5 kg. You need biceps of steel for this bad boy and it scared me, big time. But last week I decided to just take it out and use it for some portraits of Nicki (photos to come soon). It's a super sharp lens and despite being heavy I quite like it for portraits. You can get great bokeh (smushy mushy background) and you can stand back from the person and zoom (I guess if you were shooting a couple this might give them a chance to relax together without being too aware of the camera). Okay so here is the evidence of my accomplishment: Samuel took this on his iphone so I apologize for the quality. You can see what a pooey day it was as well!

Here is a picture I took of Nicki and a preview of our session together. The rest are to come soon, and I also hope to reupload the photos of the lovely Birte, once the upload quality issue is sorted.

So my first stop on the road of photography: a camera skills course for beginners taught by Damien Lovegrove. Damien is a very well known, highly acclaimed wedding photographer who now teaches a variety of courses at his studio. It's on April 6th and I'm really excited to get some basic technical knowledge under my belt together with a children's shoot. I will of course be posting the images for you all to see. I think this will give me the confidence to handle my camera better and nail those all important exposures. Wish me luck!

Ultimately what I want to do is document love; be it at a wedding, or between friends, couples or families. To capture the emotion and heartfelt love of your subject, to capture who they are, and convey that special something you can't see or touch, only feel in an image, is a beautiful thing and I believe it requires skill. So I have set myself the challenge. I'm trying to not be afraid, to have a bit more belief in myself. I hope my sheer passion and love for it will be the driving force to achievement, if not, at least there will be no regrets.

Tonight Samuel, my Mum (who is visiting) and I had a simple meal of tagliatelle with Arrabiata sauce (spicy tomato!). It's really quick and easy to make and the key to its great flavour is to let the sauce cook down for a while so the tomato flavour intensifies. It's really healthy too!

Arrabiata baby!

Serves 4-5 portions

2x400g tins of chopped tinned tomatoes

1-2 chillis (depends how hot you like it)

1 rounded tsp of dried oregano

4-5 big cloves of garlic finely chopped (NOT crushed-this will be too intense)

1-2 tsp of sugar (this is an important ingredient, start with 1 and when you taste for seasoning see if you need more)

Olive oil, sea salt (if using table go easy), pepper

500g tagliatelle (this is the weight for dried not fresh pasta)

1. Heat a medium saucepan on a medium to low heat

2. Add your chopped garlic and chilli and fry for 30 seconds-be careful not to burn as the garlic will go bitter. If you're worried just take the pan off the heat while you stir it.

3. Add your tomatoes, sugar, salt and pepper

4. Simmer on a low heat for around 30 min or until reduced and tasty.

5. While the sauce is simmering, cook your tagliatelle according to packet instructions in salted boiling water.

6. Add the pasta to the sauce, never the other way around!

Enjoy!

Thanks for reading, my shoot with Nicki is coming soon as well as a few more posts I have lined up. Feel free to comment!

xxx